THE TYPE OF WOMEN EVERY PASTOR SHOULD AVOID

If temptation would tell the truth, no minister would ever succumb to its enticements. If the allurement to commit adultery would adhere to a “truth in advertising” code, the “full disclosure” would read something like this:

“Subject needs to understand that by crossing this line and entering into a sexual relationship with this person, the minister will be despising His Lord, delighting the enemy, violating his marriage vows, disappointing everyone who ever believed in him from his youth until now, destroying his family, and ending his ministry…”

No one would ever commit adultery if he was required to sign that!

Here are seven women, young pastor, to watch out for in your ministry.

1. The woman who wants to be your wife.

Now, if she were rational, she would know that by seducing you—or winning you, however she would put it—all of those wonderful qualities she admires would suddenly go away: your ministry, your family, your income, the respect with which you are held in the town, your joy in life even.

In most cases, she thinks clearly enough not to actually try to break up your marriage (although that has happened often enough). She merely feels a strong attraction to you and puts herself in a position for you to pick up on it. Consciously or unconsciously, she becomes a trap for the unsuspecting minister.

2. The woman who wants to be your mother.

She will smother you with attention, inundate you with goodies she cooked “just because I knew you liked these,” and make life miserable for you.

If you never suffered from claustrophobia before, you do now.

It’s not so much that she poses a sexual danger to you as that by allowing and encouraging this attention from her, you will give occasion to gossips to ply their trade. Avoiding “the appearance of evil” is always a good principle (I Thessalonians 5:22).

3. The woman who wants to be your lover.

Such a woman seems to be amoral, without a sense of wrongness about anything she does. She justifies making herself available to the minister by statements such as: “You deserve this,” “God wants all of us to be happy, don’t you agree?” and “No one ever has to know; I certainly won’t tell.”

The thing to keep in mind, pastor, is that this woman making herself so available to you with no strings attached—that’s what she says, although we know better!—does not look like a Jezebel, painted and padded and bejeweled. You will not know her by her adornments.

4. The woman who wants to be your best friend.

She wants to confide in you as to who is doing what with whom in the church. She is a gossip.

She wants you to (ahem) “feel free to come to me anytime you need to talk to someone.” She wants to be your counselor.

In order to pull that off, her primary tactic involves:

a) spending a lot of time around you, perhaps volunteering in the office, but more likely volunteering as your personal assistant

b) telling you intimate things about her own life

and c) asking you to unburden yourself with her.

If she cannot worm her way into your life any other way, look for her to befriend your wife and begin showing up in your home on a regular basis.

Unless your wife is on your team, nothing about this is good from that moment on.

5. The woman you want.

There she is, the girl of your dreams. Maybe not the most beautiful woman in the world, but all things considered—her looks, her personality, her laughter, her spirituality and a few other qualities that defy description—she is everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You get all swimmy-headed around her. You wonder if she does not pick up on all the vibrations your body is sending out.

There are a few problems, of course. You’re married and she’s married, for starters. And so you wisely tell yourself this can never be, that regardless of how wonderful she is, she is off-limits to you.

The problem is you keep being drawn to her and thrown with her (committees, work projects, etc.). Because proximity fosters intimacy, unless you do something quickly, you are a goner.

In most cases, you cannot tell your wife this. You need a mentor who will be tough with you. If you have none, find yourself one now! Confide in him before you make the mistake of your life.

6. The woman who doesn’t know what she wants.

In most cases, this mixed up lady has come to you for counsel, asking you to tell her what to do. You listen to her whole complex life story.

Nothing about her is your ideal. You have never fantasized about her or anyone like her.

So, how does she become a problem to you? By her repeated visits to your office.

It’s a matter of focus. In sketching perhaps a hundred thousand people over these many years, I’ve found that everyone has a certain beauty and attractiveness about them. By focusing on the individual and not comparing them with anyone else, we can see it. In the seclusion of the counseling room, as she unburdens herself with intimate details of her life, the minister may feel emotionally drawn to her.

The problem then becomes you, pastor, and not her.

7. The woman you work most closely with in ministry.

Once again, it’s a matter of focus.

The minister of worship meets with the organist (or pianist or his personal assistant or whomever) on a regular basis to plan the services. The youth minister has frequent conferences with his secretary or a young woman in the church who assists in programming. The pastor meets with his children’s director or ministry assistant or the head of the women’s ministry or the chair of his personnel or finance committee.

Beware, minister. You must be proactive in heading off any possibility of a compromised situation.

Billy Graham decided early in his ministry never to be alone with a woman at any time.

Some might find that extreme, but say what you will, his long and very public evangelistic ministry was never tainted in the least by sexual scandal or innuendo.